Bumper Sticker Collection
Now having 808 quotes from Bumper Stickers
!amdnarg ti evom (when seen in your rear view mirror it reads Move it grandma!) (Bumper sticker seen on a white Volkswagen Rabbit) I'm late. (Seen in Chicago suburbs, courtesy of Wisconsin Tourism Board) Escape to Wisconsin!(Seen in Milwaukee) Escape From Wisconsin! (Seen on on a Pinto) Lemon. (Variation on the Famous New England Bumper Sticker, This Car Climbed Mt.Washington) This car fell off Mount Washington. (advertisement on truck) Bill's Radiator Repair Shop... Best place in town to take a leak. 0 to 60 in 15 minutes. 0 to 60 in 5 miles. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. 3 kinds of people: those who count and those who can't 90% of everything is crud. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it?? A day without sunshine is... night. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. A gleekzorp without a ternpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of) A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. A kibble is one thousand nibbles. A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A truly wise man never plays leap frog with a unicorn. A woman's place is in the House... and Senate Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. According to my best recollection, I don't remember. According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. Aids is everyone's problem. All extremists should be killed. All generalizations are false, including this one. All men are idiots, and I married their King. All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door. Always Remember To Pillage Before You Burn. Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Amateur gynecologist. Honk for a free exam! American by birth, Texan by the grace of God. American men are BIG on VIAGRA. Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. An error is not a mistake until you refuse to correct it.
An Eye for an Eye Leaves the Whole World Blind. Answer my prayers. Steal this car. Any given program costs more and takes longer. Any given program, when running, it is obsolete. Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough. Anything that begins well, ends badly. Anything that begins badly, ends worse. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. Aren't you glad i am in front of you? (Seen on the back of a state troopers car:) Around here, to be nuts is normal, to be sane is stupid. Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools as if. Assassins do it from behind.
Assassination is an extreme form of censorship. Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. Avoid reality at all costs. Back off, I'm going to fart! BAD COP NO DONUT Bad things happen when good people do nothing. Ban Abortion, Eat Your Young Instead! Be fruit fly and multiple. Be good; if you can't be good, forget it! Be kind to animals, kiss a shark. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beam me up Scotty. There are no virgins left. BEER - Helping people have sex since 1862. BEER: It's just not for breakfast anymore. Being good at being stupid doesn't count. Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Bigger the hat, better the cowboy. Biker with a nice car, not another Yuppie with a Harley. Black holes suck. Blind Man driving! Body by Nautilus...Brains by Mattel Born free. Taxed to death!
BUMPER STICKER Button for Seventh floor is broken... Use 4+3. (Sign seen in an elavator) CAT - The other white meat! CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. Call 911.... make a Paramedic come. Careful, I'm Not Wearing Clean Underwear! Caution! Contents Under Pressure. Caution: I drive like you do. Cautious: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. Censorship=Communism. Change a life; make someone feel important. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Chef's do it on a bed of lettuce! Clever is getting out alive. CLINTON GONE 99 Clinton is good for Amerika. College. We drink more before 9 am than most people drink all day. Come back to Miami, we weren't shooting at you!
Come to the dark side. We have cookies. Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Consider yourself hugged. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. Cowardice Rules!! (if that's ok with you) Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy. Custer died for your sins. Cute and interesting are two different things. D.A.R.E. To Think For Yourself D.A.R.E. to keep cops off donuts! Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? Daytona Beach - Redneck Riviera Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. Death is life's way of telling you you're fired. Death is the consequence of being alive. Deliver me from EVIL but, let it stay in touch! Denial is not a river in Egypt. Dial 911, make a cop come. Die Barney Die! Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock. Discourage Inbreeding. Ban Country Music! Do not believe in miracles - rely on them. Do not disturb...I'm disturbed enough already! Do unto others before they do unto you. Do unto others, then split! Do we know that life has a cause? Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. Dole Doesn't Even Make A Good Banana. Don't ride my bumper or I'll flick a booger on your windshield! Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. Don't blame me, I'm the thing from Uranus. Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own. Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill it. Don't drink and park - accidents cause people. Don't drive faster then your angels can fly. Don't get too close, this car has gas. Don't honk! I'm peddling as fast as I can! Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. Don't let schooling get in the way of your education. Don't let your mind wander, its not big enough to be left alone. Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it. Don't steal...the Government hates competition. Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent. Don't take me literally. Don't take your organs to heaven, heaven knows we need them here!!! Don't tell me any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. Don't tow, it runs ...sort of. (In response to Houston's junker law) Don't use force; use a bigger hammer. Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway. Don't worry. Be an asshole.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Down with Susquepedalianism Drive defensively, buy a tank. Driver Carries No Cash - He's Married. Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route. EAT the homeless! ESCAPED MOM - don't tell anyone you have seen me. Earl's in the trunk. Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends. Eat Bertha's muscles. Eat more lamb. 500,000 coyotes can't be wrong. Eve was framed. Even though this is a stupid sticker, you're squinting to read it. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun. Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island. Everything is possible; just not too probable. Everything is unimportant in some way. Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. Everything takes longer than you think. Ex-lovers make great speed bumps. Excellent time to become a missing person. Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way. F--k Calgon, Jose Cuervo take me away! FREE O.J. (with purchase of happy meal). Famous last words: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. Famous last words: Don't worry, it's not loaded. Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. Fine day to work off excess energy, steal something heavy. Fly who sit on rim of toilet easily get pissed off. Forest fires prevent bears. Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons. Free Willy. Vote for Dole. Free speach keeps Rush Limbaugh on the air; free thought keeps me from beleiveing him. Friends don't let Friends drive Naked. Friends don't let friends drive Chevy's. Friends don't let friends drive Fords. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Fun is just point of view. Fundamentalism stops a thinking mind. Get a feel for fur -- slam your fingers in a car door. Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. Get out of my reality! Git hukt awn foniks. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. Gone Crazy --be back later. got pudding? Gravity always gets me down. Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. Gravity. Not only a good idea, it's the Law. Grow your own dope, plant a man. Gun control means using both hands. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do! Guns don't kill people, they just make it real easy. Guns don't kill people; radical pro-lifers do. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified. Hairy Kiwi: Death by fruit. HANG UP & DRIVE Happiness is a belt-fed weapon Harrasing me about my smoking may be hazardous to your health. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. Have a nice day . . . somewhere else. Have safe sex---put on the parking brake. Have you ever seen a nice piece of elephant? Having a good time can be deadly. He had never seen the Catskill Mountains, but had seen them kill mice. He heard she was stuck up and asked how much they got. He thought the formula for water was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O, H-to-O. He who laughs last thinks slowest. He's YOUR God; they are YOUR rules; YOU burn in Hell Hell was full, so I came back. Her body was recovered, she bought a new suit of clothes. Heritage, not hate. Herpes---the gift that keeps on giving. Hire a teenager now, while he still knows everything! Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. Honk if you are cute...bark if you are ugly Honk if you hate John Mare (the kid form game one of the ALCS) (baltimore again) Honk if you like peace and quiet. Honk if you're a nonconformist. Hope you find this as amusing as i did before i had a daughter. Horn broken, watch for finger! How 'bout coming up to my place for a spot of heavy breathing?
How can I be overdrawn? I still have checks left! How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How empty of me to be so full of you. How'd you get your driver's license, a close relative died? Hugs don't feel as good on the computer. Huked On Phonix werked for me! Hunters make better lovers:1. They go deeper in the bush2. They shoot more often3. They eat what they shoot I (heart symbol) New York. . . It's the Yankees i hate (Baltimore, MD) I EAT animal rights activists. I Hate Bumper Stickers! I ain't drunk, I'm just drinkin'. I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean. I believe in the Right to Life...if you disagree with me I'll Kill you! I brake for amazons. I brake for no apparent reason. I can handle pain until it hurts. I can resist anything but temptation! I cleaned up my act once, but I decided it was more fun when it was dirty. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference. I don't stop for Bob Dole. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. I don't think I'd be so bored if I didn't have so much to do. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made. I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane. I have crossed and recrossed the line between sanity and madness so many times that I have all but rubbed it out. I haven't had sex for so long, I forget who gets tied up. I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. I just love nonverbal communication! I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. I know hell is hot, but is it humid? I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know. I like quality, not quantity. I like you, but I don't see you working with subatomic particles. I love cats. They taste just like chicken. I love my country but fear my government. I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them. I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. I should have known better; every happy moment in my life came from lying. i souport publik edekasion I suffer from a sexually transmitted disease - CHILDREN. I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. I think mine got hit by a truck. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. I Think You Left Your Stove On. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. I tried to contain myself but I escaped. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. I want it all, I want it now and I want it delivered! I want to be Barbi.... that bitch has everything! I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.....Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.... I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. I wouldn't know how to act if I weren't in trouble. I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore. I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered. I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night. I'd rather be online!! I'd rather be spanking the monkey! I'd rather push my Chevy than drive a Ford. I'm Pro Lifejacket And I Boat. I'm a corporate executive - I keep things from happening. I'm a nervous wreck! Got a wife, a girlfriend and a banknote--all past due!! I'm a schizophrenic and so am I! I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. I'm doing my part to piss off the religious right. I'm driving this way to piss you off. I'm glad you're pro-life, now get one and stay out of mine.
I'm just driving this way to p*ss you off.
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. I'm not a creep; I'm actually a wonderful person hiding inside the body of a creep. I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. I'm not crazy; I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic. I'm not loafing, I work so fast I'm always done I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally. I'm objective; I object to everything. I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick. I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want? I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun. I'm serious; it was a joke. I'm surrounded by idiots! I'm the best, but I'm not available! I'm the proud parent of a 'D' student. I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway. I've no time to prepare a profound message. IBM: The stupidity goes in when the name goes on. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. If AT&T isn't the Evil Empire then why do they have the Death Star as part of their corporate logo? If Clinton's the answer, it must be a REALLY stupid question. If God had intended man to watch TV, he would have given him rabbit ears. If God intended men to smoke, He would have set him on fire. If I can't fix it, it ain't broken. If I couldn't change my mind, how would I know I had one? If I don't get laid real soon, somebody's gonna get hurt! If I promise to miss you, will you go away? If Jesus was Jewish, why did he have a Puerto Rican name? If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. If O.J. isn't guilty then neither am I. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. If a women changed her sex, what would her religion be? She would be a he-then. If all else fails, throw up. If assholes could fly, you'd be a JET. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane. If ignorance is bliss, you must be having an orgasm!
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. If it ain't one thing, it's your mother. If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway. If it offends you, change the channel. If it's not nailed down, it's fair game. If life's a trip, then where's my ticket? If men became pregnant abortion would be a sacrament If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. If ours is a man made world, why can't we remake it? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? If the world were based on logic, MEN would ride sidesaddle!! If there were no such thing as bears, what kind of hugs would we give? If today was a fish, I'd throw it back in. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? If we don't know it already, chances are we're not interested in learning it. If we weren't intended to eat animals, why are they made of meat? If we're going to have fun, we've got to be serious about it. If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention. If you (heart) NY, Take 29 North (from Charlottesville, VA) If you are against abortion, don't have one. If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. If you can read this roll me over! (printed upside down on a 4x4)
If you can read this, thank your teacher. If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call. If you can't be weird, why be? If you can't go first class, charge it. If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. If you cannot convince them, confuse them. If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. If you don't like my driving please contact my website at- http:\www.byte-me.com. If you don't like the news, go out and make some. If you don't trust me with a choice, how can you trust me with a child? If you dont like the way I drive, then stay off the sidewalk. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. If you feel you must burn our (picture of flag) please wrap yourself in it first.
If you hold a Unix shell up to your ear, can you hear the C? If you knew what you were doing, you'd be bored. If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week! If you understand something today, it must be obsolete. If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously. If you're gonna' panic, panic constructively. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention. Ill-bred children are always displaying their pest manners. Imagination is the foundation of reality. Impotence is a downer. In God we trust; all others must pay cash. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. In case of rapture, can I have your car? In theory, everything works. Inhale to the chief. Insanity, what you inherit from your children! Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. Internet speech is still Free Speech. Invest In America: Buy A Congressman. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. It doesn't matter how hard you've studied; the material won't be on the exam anyway. * It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow. It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. It may be your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. It may not be much, but it's paid for! It was such a lovely day I thought it was a pity to get up. It's 4:19. Got a minute? It's all a pigment of your hallucination. It's an IBM; it's got an excuse. It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you! It's bad luck to be superstitious. It's beautiful the way it is; why spoil it by making it legal? It's been Monday all week. It's better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. It's not just reality that matters. It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it. It's not when you get up, but when you get down. It's only a game until you lose. It's only hopeless if you walk away. It's time to pull over and change the air in your head. It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be. Its as simple as A-B-C: Anybody But Clinton. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. Jesus is coming... LOOK BUSY!!!!!
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an *sshole. Jesus saves... at First Bank International Join the National Guard, travel to exotic lands, meet new people, and kill them on the weekends. Just Doing my part to piss off the feminist warthogs. Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you aren't irratating. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they AREN'T after you. Just when you think life is a bitch, it has puppies! Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way. Just say no... To sex with Pro-Lifers. Just take a cold shower and sleep it off. Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans. Keep grandma off the streets. Legalize bingo. Keep honking... I'm reloading. Keep that sense of humor; it's critical. Keep your rosaries out of my ovaries. KEVORKIAN FOR SURGEON GENERAL Kinky sex is for those who can't handle normal sex. Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. Kiss your keyboard goodbye! LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Laugh at your problems, everyone else does. Laughter is the closest distance between two people. Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Lead me not into temptation. I know my way. Learn from your parents' mistakes - USE BIRTH CONTROL! Lick my boots you little worm! Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just the programmer's way of debugging. Life is a sexually transmitted disease. Life is a terminal disease. Life is just one of those things. Life is recursive. Life is short. Don't be a dick. Life is too important to be taken seriously. Life isn't weird; it's the people in it. Life without bears would be unbearable. Life without glasses is fuzzy-wonderful. Life's a beach, and then you drown. Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated. Life's a tough job, and the hours are a bitch. Life's a trip and then you run out of Travelers' Checks. Life's biggest question is whether or not you're happy - not with others, but with yourself. Life's too short to dance with ugly guys. Listen to Rush Limbaugh? No thanks, my parents aren't related. Listen to Rush, it's easier than thinking. Little rivers which run into the Nile, Juveniles. Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the road when one of them was assaulted? Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind. Live teddy bears are best. Look out! Behind you! Looking to God for answers is premature. Lord, please help me to be the person my dog thinks I am. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Love isn't love until you give it away. Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer! Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. Marijuana - Hey, at least it's not crack! Mean people for Dole. MEAN PEOPLE SUCK. Menopausal woman nostalgic for choice. Mental Anixety, Mental Breakdown, Menstrual Cramps. Did you ever notice all our problems begin with MEN? Militant Agnostic: I don't know and neither do you! Millions of years ago, man climbed out of the slime. You want to join the party? Milk sucks. Got beer? Minds are like parachutes, they only work when they are open. Missing your cat? Check under my tires. Monday is an awful was to spend 1/7 of your life. Monica blew it for Bill. Money talks. Mine is always saying goodbye. Montana -- At least our cows are sane! Mother Nature is a bitch. Multipile orgasm, anyone? My Goddess gave birth to your God. My child is a horror student at Wooster High School. My child was Inmate of the Month at County Jail. My ex-wife is a great house keeper, she kept the house. My Karma just ran over your Dogma. My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student. My mind is not for sale or rent to any god or government My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. My other car is a piece of crap too. My other car is a piece of shit too. My other car is a tow-truck. My other car is on the Internet. My other car is up my nose. My rules apply only to other people, not myself. Necrophiliacs do it over your dead body. Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. Never eat more than you can lift. Never give a sucker an even break; take everything you can from him. Never go into a hug off balance. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. Never open a book before 4 p.m. Sunday. (Rule of Weekend Studying) Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. I'm prepared for all emergencies. But I'm totally unprepared for everyday life. Never trust a nun with a gun. New with a K in front is a Canoe. Newter Gingrich Nice guys don't finish nice. No matter how bad a situation is, if you can't laugh at it, you are in really deep sh*t. No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others. No radio - Already stolen. Nobody knows I'm Elvis. Not so close, I hardly know you! Nothing ever goes away. Nothing is as easy as it looks. Nothing is ever 100% Nothing is illegal until you get caught. Now that I've finally got my act together, I've forgotten what I'm supposed to do with it. Nuck Fewt. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake? Of course there is no reason for it, it's just my policy. Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. Oh, yeah? You weren't driving any better when I was behind you either! Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check? Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. Only you can prevent Forrest Gump. Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Outa my way, my kid has to pee. Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! Paranoids are people too, they have their own problems. It's easy to critize but if everyone hated you, you would be paranoid too. Pat Robertson For President - Pray he doesn't get it. Paul Revere was a tattle-tail. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do. Pets aren't dangerous; just don't let them carry guns. Pha Que! Picture of a jersey cow saying Eat chicken. Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more. Please hit my car. Police Officers still make house calls. Pool players ENJOY busting balls. PORN! It's cheaper than dating!
Prevent inbreeding: Ban Country & Western music. Proud member of the vast right wing conspiracy. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. Psychics predict the future but Voodoo gets results. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Push something hard enough and it will fall. Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! QUITCHERBITCHIN' Racists eat poo! Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. Real men don't ask for directions. Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Reality is a figment of your imagination. Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there. Reality is all a point of view. Reality is for people who can't face drugs Reality is for those who lack imagination. Reality is only fantasy gone stale. Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from! Red light-stop, Green light-go, Yellow light-Go Really Fast! Rehab is for quitters. Religion and politics - what a combo! REMEMBER FLORIDA. Vote Democrat in 2002. Repetition is always better the second time. Riots, earthquakes, landslides, firestorms....L.A.: It's not for whimps! Roll/Hemp 241Runs with wolves. Sacred cows make great hamburgers. Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. Save a cow, eat a vegetarian. Save the whales, collect the whole set. Schizophrenia beats being alone. Serve Jesus: 1.Preheat oven to 350 2.Bake for 1 1/2 hours or until golden brown 3.Enjoy! Sex is a misdemeanor. . . The more I miss it, the meaner I get!! Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. Shoot Gore first. Shoot gay whales for Jesus. Since when is talking a sign of thinking? Single women can't fart. They don't have an ***hole until they're married Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse. Smile....It's the second best thing you can do with your lips! Sniper: Don't bother running, you'll only die tired. So Proud of North Carolina ! #1 in HOGS #42 in TEACHER PAY Sober 'n' crazy Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them. Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep. Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Speak softly, but carry an M16. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me. Stomp Out Violence!! Stop crime at its source! Support Planned Parenthood. Students may like nitrates, they're cheaper than day rates. Stupid people shouldn't breed. Support Beef - Run Over A Chicken Support Inflation. Use Viagra. Support PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have. Support you're local police- throw a PIG roast! Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. Take my advice--I'm not using it. Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist. Tennis players have fuzzy balls. Test tube babies shouldn't throw stones. TEQUILA! Have you hugged your toilet today? The 100% American is 99% an idiot. The Enterprise is like toilet paper it circles Uranus looking for Klingons to wipe out. The Force is with you! The course of progress: Most things get steadily worse. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. The difference between ignorance and apathy?...I don't know and I don't give a damn! The former ruler of Russia and his wife were called Tsar and Tsarina, so clearly their children were called Tsardines. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. The lack of something to be proud of is by far a man's greatest tragedy! The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train. The moral majority is neither. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. The more things change, the more they stay insane.
The more you complain the longer God lets you live. The new baby is like royalty, he's the prince of wails. The one who dies with the most toys, DIES! The only difference between men and boys..Is the price and size of their little toys!!! The only one who ever got everything done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. The only thing new in this world is the history you don't know. The only thing wrong with doing nothing is you never know when you're finished. The pants were very sad, they were depressed. The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. The shortest distance between two points is under construction. The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. The ultimate reason is "because." The unexamined life is not worth living. The weather is here, wish you were beautiful!!!! The whole purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others. The world is coming to an end. Please log off. The world's so terrible that one can only make fun of it. Thelma and Louise Live! There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. There is more self righteous indignation over the wearing of fur than of leather because it is safer to harass a woman than a biker. There is no such thing as gravity. The whole world sucks. There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes. There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
These aren't hot flashes, they are power surges. They keep saying the right person will come along; They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them. They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid. Things get worse under pressure. Things will get worse before they get better. This car brakes at.... wait, nothing. This car brakes...down repeatedly. This car stops at all rummage sales. This makes me laugh so much! It's so true!!! This may not be the mayflower, but your daughter came across in it. This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead. Time flies when you don't know what you're doing. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. To all you virgins... Thanks for nothing. To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.
To err is human. To really foul things up requires computers. To some it's a six pack, to me it's a support group. Today is an excellent day to have a rotten day. Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. You know it's a bad day whenthe sun comes up in the west. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. Too much of a good thing is wonderful. Two's company, but three is worth thinking about... UFO's are real. The Air Force isn't. US OUT OF AMERICA Under Liberals, Man exploits man. With Conservatives, it's just the opposite. Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell. Viagra - one pill and you can outdo Bill. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Vietnam Vets are not Fonda Jane. Vote Republican...it's easier than caring. WOW, I could've had a V-8 ! (on a Volkswagen) Wanna get laid? Crawl up a chickens butt and wait.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. Warning:I Break For Unknown Reasons! Was today really necessary? Watch my rear end not hears. Watch out for the space between a handshake. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? We're #1 in the #2 business (Painted on the back of a cesspool truck) What if everyone in the world just farted? What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? What you don't do is always more important than what you do do. What's the three worst words to hear while having sex? Honey, I'm home! WHATEVER Whatever it is -- I didn't do it! Well, Duh! When all else fails, lower your standards. When asked if he had missed school lately, the boy said `Not a bit.` When does summertime come to Minnesota you ask? Well, last year I think it was a Tuesday. When hell freezes over...I'll ski there too. When in doubt, use brute force. When it rains, it pours. When things just can't get any worse, they will. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. Where does it go? It doesn't matter. Flush it. Where there's a will, I want to be in it! While I was following this car, it made a left turn with it's right turn signal on! Who are you to question why your God doesn't want me to believe in Him? Who said things would get better? Who the hell is Mikee? Whoever has the gold makes the rules. Why do psychics have to ask your name? Why Settle For The Lesser Of Two Evils? Vote Cthulu '96. Why be normal?
Why do I have to take English class? I'm never going to England. Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? Why should I grow up? This is more fun! Will work for food. Will beg for sex. Wink, I'll do the rest! With guns, trucks, and beer, who needs women? Women come and go, but... you can RELY on a truck. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems? Yankees go home (Popular in Texas) Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest sonofabitch in the valley. Yeah I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can lose weight. Yeah, there's a lot of stress here, but I'm not straining. Yes, as a matter of fact I do own the whole damn road. Yesterday is a memory, tomorrow is a vision, but today is a bitch! You always find something in the last place you look. You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. You can't be late until you show up. You can't dream too much; you can't do enough to make your dreams come true. You can't fall off the floor. You can't get away from me. I know. I've tried. You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. You know it's a bad day when Suicide Prevention puts you on hold. You know it's a bad day when the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. You know it's a bad day when the blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. You know it's a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor. You know it's a bad day when you put both contact lenses in the same eye. You know it's a bad day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better. You know it's a bad day when your income tax refund check bounces. You know it's a bad day when your pet rock snaps at you. You left your iron on. You left your oven on. YOU LOST. GET OVER IT! You may be disappointed if you fail, but you're doomed if you don't try. You're being followed; cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
You're just jealous because only the voices talk to me. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on. You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core . . . I like that in a person. You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. You've gotta' die in creative ways. Your college sucks. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! Your kid's a honor student, but you're a moron. Your lucky color has faded. Your lucky number has been disconnected. Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere. Your type doesn't stay around long enough to stay your type. ZERO TO NAKED IN 6.2 BEERS!

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